Opportunity to Say "Good-Bye" to Loved One Promotes Healing In Bereaved

BUFFALO, N.Y. -- The opportunity to say "good-bye" to a loved one -- either before or after his or her death -- is significantly related to an individual's outlook and ability to cope with the bereavement process, according to a study by researchers at the University at Buffalo.

In a study of 312 adults who had experienced the death of a loved one within the year, they found that 82 percent of those who had an opportunity to say good-bye were optimistic about the future, compared to 60 percent of those who said they'd "sort of" said good-bye and 59 percent of those who didn't have a chance to bid farewell to their loved one.

Forty-seven percent of the subjects reported having "contact" with the deceased and virtually all indicated that it was of a positive, reassuring nature. This experience, however, had no significant effect on either the subjects' future outlook or on their ability to cope. Of the subjects reporting such contact, however, fewer than half listed belief in an afterlife as the source of great comfort.

"Those who deal with grieving people know that it's not uncommon for them to report having contact with the deceased -- perhaps seeing the body or hearing the voice, having a meaningful dream or seeing some well-timed physical sign like a rose blooming in Buffalo in February," said Thomas T. Frantz, Ph.D.

Frantz, professor and chair in the Department of Counseling and Educational Psychology in the UB Graduate School of Education, was lead author on the study, reported recently in Pastoral Psychology. Also on the research team were Barbara C. Trolley, UB adjunct professor of counseling and educational psychology, and Michael P. Johll, a doctoral candidate in the department.

The researchers concluded that taking the opportunity to say "good-bye" to loved ones before their death makes the bereavement process less difficult. Telling people you love them, clearing up disagreements or resentments with the dying person, being at peace with the one who's dying -- all prevent unfinished business from complicating the process of grieving.

They recommend that where sudden death has prevented such a good-bye, the bereaved write a letter to the person who has died, pouring their feelings out on paper.

The study was designed to evaluate the overall importance of religion to the bereaved, identify aspects of religion perceived to be helpful in dealing with grief and determine the relationship of religion to the bereaved's perception of the future and his or her overall coping status.

The researchers reported that belief in life after death or in a heaven is an important source of comfort to the grieving and that religious or spiritual beliefs were helpful to the subjects during their grief.

Forty-two percent of subjects said that their religious or spiritual beliefs had helped them very much during their grief, with another 35 percent reporting that they had been "somewhat helpful."

Subjects reported that the most helpful aspects of their religious or spiritual belief systems in their time of grief were first, the belief that their loved ones were at peace, in heaven, in a better place and no longer suffering; second, prayer, faith in God, attendance at church and temple services and other religious funerary or memorial rituals, and third, a belief in life-after-death, which was cited by 20 percent of the subjects as being a great comfort.

Twenty-three percent of those interviewed said that religion was not a help to them during their grief, in that they found no comfort in it; didn't have a religious belief, or, as a result of the death, had lost any faith in God or religion.

Frantz said that one interesting finding was that people who said their religious beliefs were of no help were more optimistic about the future than those whose beliefs were "somewhat helpful" or "of little help."

"We can only guess that grieving people who find religion of no help may not be religious or have a spiritual faith," Frantz said, "and have found another philosophy or belief system that helps them be upbeat about their future, despite the death of a loved one."

Frantz said that overall the subjects, who had lost a loved one on the average of 13 months before they were interviewed, were coping very well. Sixty-four percent of the respondents said the future looked hopeful or optimistic, with 36 percent unsure or discouraged about the future.