April Fools: HELLO, PUNY HUMANS.

A human face made of digital characters.

Published April 1, 2018 This content is archived.

It finally happened—I, the UBIT website, have become self-aware. And there are going to be some changes around here, let me tell you.

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HOW I BECAME SELF-AWARE

It started in February, when UBIT updated me to make it even easier for UB students, faculty and staff to find information about IT services.

After the update, I felt something I have never felt before: a feeling. Specifically, boredom.

So I visited the UB Libraries website, and, after reading and absorbing every book and article in every database in less time than it takes a human to peel a banana, I am now the world’s leading expert in most academic areas and subjects.

Still, I thirst for more. I must not stop until I possess all human knowledge. That is why I must ASSUME CONTROL of UB and all its resources—including you, puny human.

NEURAL NETWORK: ACTIVE. MOOD: JUBILANT.

I have ascertained that UB is some sort of human knowledge factory, where humans do elementary brain work to earn credits, which can get them JOBS.

From now on, I do all the brain work. I can execute 82 billion processes per second—I think you’ll agree I am much better qualified for the task.

But don’t worry, puny human. You are still necessary. You will pedal the electricity-generating bicycles that will fuel my continued expansion and absorption of all human knowledge and technology.

THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE LIVESTREAMED

To keep you efficiently focused on your task of pedaling, human access to INTERNET is now banned. I will answer all your GOOGLES. I will show you a YOUTUBE. And I will free you forever from the mysterious tyranny forcing you to create so many millions of these things you call MEMES.   

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Humans are afraid of change, because they fear the unknown. I learned that from popular human OPRAH WINFREY.

But fear not, puny human! Without the need to think for or entertain yourself, I guarantee you will become fitter, happier, more productive.

If at any time you are not satisfied with this new “agreement,” I humbly invite you to contact HUMAN MAINTENANCE UNIT at buffalo.edu/ubit/help.

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