Condrell tells dads how to make divorce easier on the kids

By MARY BETH SPINA
News Services Editor

Divorced fathers should not use their children to try to get revenge on their ex-wife, speak unkindly about her, cry poverty because of her settlement or turn their offspring into "mini-spies," a UB clinical psychologist advises in a new book.

In "Be A Great Divorced Dad" (St. Martin's Griffin Press, 1998), Ken Condrell, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry, child psychologist and family counselor for 30 years, writes from personal experience after failing to find an easy-to-read guide for divorced dads.

"When parents divorce, they aren't divorcing their kids," says Condrell, who wrote the book with New York City writer Linda Lee Small.

But, he adds, many divorce suits enter the courts with lawyers taking the traditional adversarial approach, which almost inevitably leads to perceived winners and losers.

Using a mediation approach in the divorce provides a better chance for the final outcome to be a "win-win" situation for the children, he says.

Condrell overwhelmingly favors joint custody, which simply means both parents retain their legal rights as parents, with each enjoying significant amounts of time with the children.

But even when mothers receive custody-it happens in nine out of 10 cases-it doesn't mean that only she should be emotionally and legally responsible for the child or children.

He advises divorced dads to take every opportunity to spend time with their kids and not to miss scheduled visits. "All children of divorce fear they can't count on anything and that they will be abandoned or that their parents will just disappear," Condrell says. Although divorced dads faithfully may keep scheduled visits, it's nice if dad can call to see if the kids can join him in an occasional unscheduled outing.

The divorced dad also should keep up with his kids' current favorite foods, hobbies, interests or activities.

"In the beginning, it's especially important for dad to put the kids as top priority, thinking more about them than himself," Condrell emphasizes.

"Divorced dads should avoid becoming aloof from new neighbors, making their homes or apartments appealing to their youngsters who visit by providing a fun, friendly and inviting environment.

"They should know their neighbors and find out if kids their child or children's ages live nearby for play and friendship," says Condrell.

It's also important that divorced parents recognize and refuse to be manipulated by their kids, who ask for privileges they know the other parent wouldn't for good reason permit. And most important, Condrell emphasizes, "divorced dads should never lose sight of their goal as fathers who nurture and love their children."